I've had several traumatic events in my life and overtime: through therapy, changing, venting, time or sheer force of will, I have overcome and recovered.
But this last trauma, this diagnosis of leukoaraiosis, is something I just have to learn to live with. There is no reversal and no cure. Leukoaraiosis is the deterioration of white matter of the brain. So far it has resulted in memory loss, a loss of mobility( I could walk using a walker then literally over nigh I was in a wheelchair) my ability to care for myself and incontinence. It really doesn't sound that bad when you look at my past traumas:
The loss of loved ones including my dad, rape, attempted suicide, heart surgery, and addiction ( I had 30 years clean this January 9, 2026) But I feel like I have recovered from the other traumas; the losses of loved ones eased with time, the rape has taken many years and some good therapy to recover from, attempted suicides were due to past traumas and I recovered through therapy, the heart surgery was terrifying and painful(I'm diabetic, so it took a long time to heal) but eventually I healed, and the addiction began as an attempt to self medicate the rape but I was blessed to eventually find treatment and a 12 step program that saved my life. I never went back to using.
But I have to learn to deal with and live with the leukoaraiosis. Its going to be hard. My worst fear is that I will develop dementia(this is a common outcome). I see residents here with me in the nursing home who have dementia and its scary. I don't want to forget the people I love. I don't want to become aggressive. I don't want to be...not me.
Im an artist and I create alot. I wonder if I'll still be able to create?
I like to read, will I still like to read?
I'm an amateur writer, will I still be able to write?
There are so many what ifs and will I's that every new day is a wait and see what happens event.
I am grateful for what time I will have to remain...me. I want to try to live my life as full as I can. Spend a lot of time with family and friends, to write, create art, to be of help to someone. To experience things in what's ever capacity I can. To encourage and uplift others.
This website began as a way for people to share their stories of survival and healing. Its turned into something more. Its a way to leave my B.O.S. to my family and friends when I've passed the point of being me. And a place of recovery, healing, learning and teaching. The website will probably never be finished. Either more stories will be shared of I'll add new pages because I learned something new.
I wish you blessing, so many blessings! Thank you for stopping by. If you have a story of survival and healing to share, please let us know on the form and well get in touch to get your story and add it to the blog exactly as you send it to us. You'll find a form at the bottom of each page.
Brightest Blessings,
Stephanie of The Altered Goddess
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